lost

how do i start? its 1.30am long time more before i start work. work, it seems to be the only thing which i can do so far. what happened? i called it off. its over between the both of us. i guess i should be able to hack it. need to stop reminding myself that its over but then hand gets itchy. lol. yeahs. 6 mths, not too long, not to short just alrights. yet my itchy self just can't sit still. expected it long before it started, just wanted to see how long i could hold on. i guess 6 mths was my limits. adding to the fact that i travel every weekend, well almost every weekend back to keep the relationship alive i am surprised with myself. am i so devoted? pretty much, i would do anything to keep it going but i guess it will take more of me. there is only so much of me i can give out. why do i always have to give? i need to stop giving, i am emptied faster then i am replenished. what do i want? someone to care for me to hear me out to read my thoughts about what i need. is it love? is it attention? is it just a shoulder to cry on? or just plain hugs. nothing seems to be right for me relationship wise. sucky isn't it? every relationship i had was a distant one. when i manage to settle down i settled with the wrong one and ended up suffering for 2 years. it isn't what i wanted but i held on as long as i could as well. when i couldn't hold on any longer i stopped and everyone asked why i stopped? simple i am tired. the same 5 letter words i always repeat every single time. tired of being the patient one. tired of being the one who provides. tired of being the one who has to give in. tired of being the one who needs to adapt instead of being adapted too. maybe i don't give them enough chances but yet how many chances do i need to give? how much hints do i need to make that i am suffering in silence? should i just live alone? but for a daymn fact i know i can't becuase i just can't. i need someone there to hold on too to know that i am "home". someone i could come home too. i don't want to come home to someone who ask's "are you cooking dinner" and i don't want to come home to an empty room. my gawd my job already demands 12 hours of my time i only have so little time left for myself after providing for my partner. what am i doing wrong? do i spoil my partners? by just agreeing to everything. what am i doing wrong? my demands are so simple. i just want to go home. i haven't found my home yet. is a home so difficult to built? why do i keep moving? i want to stop moving. i need to stop moving. every time i move i change i see new things but before i settle down i move again. am a nomad. moving in and out of jb. moving in and out of kl. moving in and out of australia. my things are scattered all over the place. i hardly know whats mine and whats not mine. am i so difficult to understand? i don't know, i don't know i just don't know anymore. its over and its dead. i thought i would stop crying myself to sleep but i guess it just started again. am feeling weak again. any weaker i don't think i can go on living. maybe i should have died a couple of years ago that would have saved alot of people alot of trouble. till today i have never found someone whom i could share everything with. someone who would understand the type of person i am like ... what am i like? am human i have emotions. i have feelings but i dare not show it unless if i fulfill the needs of others first and if the others are ready to listen then i will tell but till today non has gone beyond that point. where am i going wrong? always put the needs of other before your own ...

life goes on..

life is fucked up.

so much to think..

but am still alone..