History Repeats Itself
what am i feeling? i don't really know. i don't even know how to explaine the feelings. i can feel the tears swelling up inside my eyes but it just won't flow. why? becuase i won't allow it too. for the first time i am feeling as if i am worth nothing. nothing anybody can say to make me feel better it only makes me feel worst. i just felt a drop, tears just fell across my cheeks.. why am i crying? why am i crying? why am i so weak? whats wrong with myself? what kind of emotion has flooded my mind and heart?
your with someone else now but even if u tell me that ur heart is still with me, i sense something else instead. i am sorry i couldn't afford to bring your oversea's on our first month together. i am sorry that i am unable to provide you the love that you always longed for. i am sorry i am not what ur looking for. i am sorry i cannot be there for you when u needed me the most. i am sorry i ever started annything with you when i know i can't make it totally. i am sorry all the promises i make i can't fulfill them immediately. i am sorry i a asked for a breakup. i am sorry i asked for a open relationship. i am sorry for asking anything of you. i am sorry for making you give me a second chance.
why am i upset that ur going? probably becuase you barely started with her? and ur going places with her? i feel so fucking left out. i have never felt so fucking left out in my life. althought i love you with all my heart but what u did was something that really broke me. i know it doesn't make sense since we already broke up. but it was barely 1 week. i know ur strong in denying but did u have to do it so fast? i have cried more times when i am with you then in any of my other relationships. what am i doing wrong? what made you choose to go? did i really hurt you so bad? wai ling asked me to go with her on trip for christmas but i told her no and u did the total exact opposite. am i relaly in love? do you really love me ? yet everything that has happened makes me feel the exact opposite.
i don't think i can continue feeling like this and i don't think i can bare listening to the intimate moments u have with her. i am sorry i asked but i didn't know it would hurt that bad. i think u went to far and to fast for me. i need to stop crying and stop feeling sorry for myself. i have never loved anyone so much that i cannot bear the fact that i am in an open relationship with the one person i finally loved with all my heart. why am i back? why am i making myself miserable? have i got no more room to surpress all my pain and disappointment. from the feelings i have now i think i am just going to pack my things from your place and bring it back to singapore with me, i don't think i can bear to see you nor hear from you anymore.
cat told me today that i care to much for others that i don't love myself. i put people in front of me when i should be doing the opposite, but that jody died a long time ago. that jody that never wanted to be alone in the world again. but yet am here sitting alone here in my room listening to myself cry. i need to stop crying why can't it stop? why can't i just stop? what have i done wrong? where have i gone wrong? is it so wrong to love others more then u love yourself?
someone help me.. i am loosing faith and i am loosing my grip on life. i can't go on living like this, i am afraid i am so scared. is there no one home to hear me? is there no one who can help me? i don't want life to go on.. will someone end it for me? or do i have to end it myself?
the pain is unbearable, there is no more place for me to hide? am reaching out for help but i can't see anything i don't feel anything, 5 years ago i stared at this screen, 5 years later i am still staring at the same screen. i hope i am still here 5 years down the road.
i made a mistake, i should have died years back then i would not need to suffer nor feel anything. save the trouble of hurting myself over and over again. watching as my wound get worst instead of healing. as it heals as it hurts i guess its not meant to heal. why can't people understand? i have so many r/s but every one of them turned sour? and they think am a player? have they ever thought that i might be the one suffering twice as much? but i suffer in silence that no one hears nor even felt its presence. the nights i cry myself to sleep feeling sorry for everyone that i hurt but knowing its for the best because my patience ran out... how much can u provide for? how much patience can u hold? patience is virtue but what good is patience when ur the one changing?
they felt betrayed? played upon? left out? u think i don't feel it? they felt sad? used? i feel it too. i feel homeless, i feel sucky, i feel used, i feel like an old toy, washed and clean to look brand new but then when they realise its still an old toy, the treat it differently becuase its always there whenever they need a toy and the new one's aren't around. its not once but its twice, thrice, so many times that i lost track.
sad people come to me and i will comfort them, once they are ready to fly again, am alone again, and i will need to seek new sad people to let them pour their sorrows in. am carrying everybody's burden. its getting heavier, am getting tired, i can't move but i know if they don't move on, they will be stuck and i get a heavier weight to carry. so i drag myself, loosing different parts of me as i go on. once they are gone i will find my way back and collect the little pieces of me to put back a whole me again to carry another burden once again.
who listen's to little old me? am i worth the trouble? becuase they are never there long enough, they know bits and pieces of the stories and they make assumptions taht i am just a simple girl with a playful heart? but have they heard the problem that makes me come to conclusions? no? they never had the time. they were never willing. they were always busy, parent's always busy? why is everyone so busy for me when i am never busy for them? do i ask so much? is that alot to ask for?
it has come to point where i find it ridiculous to tell people my problems becuase most of the time, i move away and nobody contacts me again. coz am not there to pick them up or send them home? am i always so easily used? well taking the fact that i love driving but yet still i would really like to have someone to sit me down and talk to me and actually ask me "whats wrong?" but then again its my fault coz i always have the happy face, i don't know where i hide my sad face. i can't find it but i know its somewhere there but i just can't find it. i don't think i will ever find it..... there is not use for it..
your with someone else now but even if u tell me that ur heart is still with me, i sense something else instead. i am sorry i couldn't afford to bring your oversea's on our first month together. i am sorry that i am unable to provide you the love that you always longed for. i am sorry i am not what ur looking for. i am sorry i cannot be there for you when u needed me the most. i am sorry i ever started annything with you when i know i can't make it totally. i am sorry all the promises i make i can't fulfill them immediately. i am sorry i a asked for a breakup. i am sorry i asked for a open relationship. i am sorry for asking anything of you. i am sorry for making you give me a second chance.
why am i upset that ur going? probably becuase you barely started with her? and ur going places with her? i feel so fucking left out. i have never felt so fucking left out in my life. althought i love you with all my heart but what u did was something that really broke me. i know it doesn't make sense since we already broke up. but it was barely 1 week. i know ur strong in denying but did u have to do it so fast? i have cried more times when i am with you then in any of my other relationships. what am i doing wrong? what made you choose to go? did i really hurt you so bad? wai ling asked me to go with her on trip for christmas but i told her no and u did the total exact opposite. am i relaly in love? do you really love me ? yet everything that has happened makes me feel the exact opposite.
i don't think i can continue feeling like this and i don't think i can bare listening to the intimate moments u have with her. i am sorry i asked but i didn't know it would hurt that bad. i think u went to far and to fast for me. i need to stop crying and stop feeling sorry for myself. i have never loved anyone so much that i cannot bear the fact that i am in an open relationship with the one person i finally loved with all my heart. why am i back? why am i making myself miserable? have i got no more room to surpress all my pain and disappointment. from the feelings i have now i think i am just going to pack my things from your place and bring it back to singapore with me, i don't think i can bear to see you nor hear from you anymore.
cat told me today that i care to much for others that i don't love myself. i put people in front of me when i should be doing the opposite, but that jody died a long time ago. that jody that never wanted to be alone in the world again. but yet am here sitting alone here in my room listening to myself cry. i need to stop crying why can't it stop? why can't i just stop? what have i done wrong? where have i gone wrong? is it so wrong to love others more then u love yourself?
someone help me.. i am loosing faith and i am loosing my grip on life. i can't go on living like this, i am afraid i am so scared. is there no one home to hear me? is there no one who can help me? i don't want life to go on.. will someone end it for me? or do i have to end it myself?
the pain is unbearable, there is no more place for me to hide? am reaching out for help but i can't see anything i don't feel anything, 5 years ago i stared at this screen, 5 years later i am still staring at the same screen. i hope i am still here 5 years down the road.
i made a mistake, i should have died years back then i would not need to suffer nor feel anything. save the trouble of hurting myself over and over again. watching as my wound get worst instead of healing. as it heals as it hurts i guess its not meant to heal. why can't people understand? i have so many r/s but every one of them turned sour? and they think am a player? have they ever thought that i might be the one suffering twice as much? but i suffer in silence that no one hears nor even felt its presence. the nights i cry myself to sleep feeling sorry for everyone that i hurt but knowing its for the best because my patience ran out... how much can u provide for? how much patience can u hold? patience is virtue but what good is patience when ur the one changing?
they felt betrayed? played upon? left out? u think i don't feel it? they felt sad? used? i feel it too. i feel homeless, i feel sucky, i feel used, i feel like an old toy, washed and clean to look brand new but then when they realise its still an old toy, the treat it differently becuase its always there whenever they need a toy and the new one's aren't around. its not once but its twice, thrice, so many times that i lost track.
sad people come to me and i will comfort them, once they are ready to fly again, am alone again, and i will need to seek new sad people to let them pour their sorrows in. am carrying everybody's burden. its getting heavier, am getting tired, i can't move but i know if they don't move on, they will be stuck and i get a heavier weight to carry. so i drag myself, loosing different parts of me as i go on. once they are gone i will find my way back and collect the little pieces of me to put back a whole me again to carry another burden once again.
who listen's to little old me? am i worth the trouble? becuase they are never there long enough, they know bits and pieces of the stories and they make assumptions taht i am just a simple girl with a playful heart? but have they heard the problem that makes me come to conclusions? no? they never had the time. they were never willing. they were always busy, parent's always busy? why is everyone so busy for me when i am never busy for them? do i ask so much? is that alot to ask for?
it has come to point where i find it ridiculous to tell people my problems becuase most of the time, i move away and nobody contacts me again. coz am not there to pick them up or send them home? am i always so easily used? well taking the fact that i love driving but yet still i would really like to have someone to sit me down and talk to me and actually ask me "whats wrong?" but then again its my fault coz i always have the happy face, i don't know where i hide my sad face. i can't find it but i know its somewhere there but i just can't find it. i don't think i will ever find it..... there is not use for it..
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