First Blog Post
Finally finding a way to tell myself that i am worth much more that just what i have thought all the while. what do i mean? simple all my life i have been doing things that people expect of me or what people want of me. I don't want that anymore. why suddenly some might ask?
i am a big fan of L Word, the first of its kind in the gay and lesbian society, in this drama there is this particular character called "shane" in episode 8 of Season 2 she said a line that made me think. what line would that be? and i quote "Everybody seems to want something from me, but i have nothing left to give".
i have this problem, i can never say no. i never say no if i can help it. why? becuase i want people to feel special and i want them to feel as if they are worth something and i will do anything to make that dream come true. i will give my all and my everything if it means someone will just smile. i know its dumb of me but then its just me. Why do i do it, becuase this world is full of awful things and smiles are addictive! so why i start it? but i guess its wrong but how can u not make someone want to smile? do u only make the ones u love smile? the one u care about? the ones u want to be with? can't it just be someone on the road? someone on u walked pass? someone u opened the door for? why must it be someone u know?
i believe that if you do something to make someone feel special they would just do something that makes me feel good about myself. what if they don't ? then i guess i wasn't meant to feel good. everything has a balance and everything happens for a reason. so many things has happened through out my life, and there is so many things that has made me the way i am.
someone asked me why am i so afraid or opening up? why am i pushing everyone away from me? why don't i let anyone into my life? whats wrong with me? good question whats wrong with me? what made me so cold? what made me so heartless and why won't i let anyone see myself cry? why are people so blind, i am right there, am an open book all u need to do is just turn to the right page and read the correct lines and right paragraph.
is it my fault that you can't see it?
is it my fault that you don't understand it?
is it my fault that you can't feel it?
how can u blame me for something that you don't see? how can u blame me for being heartless when i walk out the door? who gave u the right to tell me what i should do and what i should share? if i bring down my walls and you cannot handle the pain and anger and anguish accumulated over the years will you just leave? will you just let me go? why can't i protect myself? is it so wrong? everyone wants something for me? why issit so difficult to understand that i have nothing left to give? why can't anyone understand patience?
its always about you you you and nothing else but you? why? what did i do wrong? where did i go wrong? why is it so difficult for you to understand that my trust with you is not something u can force upon me? haven't i told you about it enough? i am tired of telling, i am tired of taking the first step. why couldn't you do whatever i did to you back to me? haven't i given you enough examples on how i feel with you and how i feel for you? the countless times i said " i love you ". all i needed was your support just to make me feel as if I am wanted. i don't need things to make me happy. I am not materialistic! i have never been have i? why does my friends know more of me then my partners?
not many people have seen me cry and reason being because i learn to hold it in and i learn to express it in anger and learn to mould it and make it my weapon when i walk out on a relationship. i realise that crying only makes me weaker. i need to be strong becasue all i have is myself and myself only. i leave becuase i know that i don't see a future if i should persue it further. i always give my all becuase i know its only then when i walk out i know its the best i have tried.
nobody has given me that hope and that security that they can handle the whole of me. how do u show it? by being patient, by watching me and by noticing my body languages and hints that i will give. everybody thinks am strong too strong, but strong isn't the word you should be looking for in me. you should seek the love i have inside of me. the love that will make u feel safe when ur scared, the love that makes you feel complete when ur empty, the love that is there when u need it the most. times when ur lonely and when ur sad or when u watch a love story together.
i will go all the way for someone and i have never regretted it becuase i know that its worth it or else i won't start the r/s. Its a big risk that I am willing to take but I will always know my limits and how far i will go before i know i should call it off and will do it without emotions. call me selfish and whatever words you want but all i want you to know is whenever have i not done anything for you when u asked or when u hinted if its within my reach.
i am a big fan of L Word, the first of its kind in the gay and lesbian society, in this drama there is this particular character called "shane" in episode 8 of Season 2 she said a line that made me think. what line would that be? and i quote "Everybody seems to want something from me, but i have nothing left to give".
i have this problem, i can never say no. i never say no if i can help it. why? becuase i want people to feel special and i want them to feel as if they are worth something and i will do anything to make that dream come true. i will give my all and my everything if it means someone will just smile. i know its dumb of me but then its just me. Why do i do it, becuase this world is full of awful things and smiles are addictive! so why i start it? but i guess its wrong but how can u not make someone want to smile? do u only make the ones u love smile? the one u care about? the ones u want to be with? can't it just be someone on the road? someone on u walked pass? someone u opened the door for? why must it be someone u know?
i believe that if you do something to make someone feel special they would just do something that makes me feel good about myself. what if they don't ? then i guess i wasn't meant to feel good. everything has a balance and everything happens for a reason. so many things has happened through out my life, and there is so many things that has made me the way i am.
someone asked me why am i so afraid or opening up? why am i pushing everyone away from me? why don't i let anyone into my life? whats wrong with me? good question whats wrong with me? what made me so cold? what made me so heartless and why won't i let anyone see myself cry? why are people so blind, i am right there, am an open book all u need to do is just turn to the right page and read the correct lines and right paragraph.
is it my fault that you can't see it?
is it my fault that you don't understand it?
is it my fault that you can't feel it?
how can u blame me for something that you don't see? how can u blame me for being heartless when i walk out the door? who gave u the right to tell me what i should do and what i should share? if i bring down my walls and you cannot handle the pain and anger and anguish accumulated over the years will you just leave? will you just let me go? why can't i protect myself? is it so wrong? everyone wants something for me? why issit so difficult to understand that i have nothing left to give? why can't anyone understand patience?
its always about you you you and nothing else but you? why? what did i do wrong? where did i go wrong? why is it so difficult for you to understand that my trust with you is not something u can force upon me? haven't i told you about it enough? i am tired of telling, i am tired of taking the first step. why couldn't you do whatever i did to you back to me? haven't i given you enough examples on how i feel with you and how i feel for you? the countless times i said " i love you ". all i needed was your support just to make me feel as if I am wanted. i don't need things to make me happy. I am not materialistic! i have never been have i? why does my friends know more of me then my partners?
not many people have seen me cry and reason being because i learn to hold it in and i learn to express it in anger and learn to mould it and make it my weapon when i walk out on a relationship. i realise that crying only makes me weaker. i need to be strong becasue all i have is myself and myself only. i leave becuase i know that i don't see a future if i should persue it further. i always give my all becuase i know its only then when i walk out i know its the best i have tried.
nobody has given me that hope and that security that they can handle the whole of me. how do u show it? by being patient, by watching me and by noticing my body languages and hints that i will give. everybody thinks am strong too strong, but strong isn't the word you should be looking for in me. you should seek the love i have inside of me. the love that will make u feel safe when ur scared, the love that makes you feel complete when ur empty, the love that is there when u need it the most. times when ur lonely and when ur sad or when u watch a love story together.
i will go all the way for someone and i have never regretted it becuase i know that its worth it or else i won't start the r/s. Its a big risk that I am willing to take but I will always know my limits and how far i will go before i know i should call it off and will do it without emotions. call me selfish and whatever words you want but all i want you to know is whenever have i not done anything for you when u asked or when u hinted if its within my reach.
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