The little ol me

finally!! my own website! yay! feeling the absolute control over my own website with my own ftp access and soon enough username/passwords! muahahah relocated my blog as well as u can see. still thinking what else do i put in there.. i only know taht i would like to have a small section for shout outs and small little interesting things that i see on the web and i should copy. lotsa things to do no time yet. :p miss my baby. quote: i almost forgot what was it like to watch u sleep while i was driving up. its only when i am doing long distance driving can i see that look of peace when u sleep. as i pat your thighs as u sleep quietly in ur corner. watching u hug my pillow to sleep its just a satisfaction i can't get elsewhere but only here with you.

how does one sit on the fence so well? i don't know i am just quite good at it myself. why say that? well i am on the basis of i don't know which decision to sit by. do i wait? or do i run? or do i just move around but in a circular mode. such imaginative takling isnt it. i sit here in a cyber cafe in kl doing nothing but blogging myself, takling to friends and trying to see the picture on a wider scale mode. but the wider the picture the more it becomes blurry but i don't have the correct tools to make it sharper for better viewing purposes. going to cameron's this evening if everything goes well, need to pack alot of things before heading up there. under orders from the owners of the apartment in Cameroons. till then.. life is still going on.. just getting that my life is shorter now..

now i know what does it mean to say "how do you feel about what the other person is feeling?" i say it becuase i know what it means to be lost. what it means to want it so bad but u can't feel it and not at all and get upset cause you can't feel the feelings that you want o feel. you try so hard but the harder you try the more you loose you directions. i feel so helpless i feel so crap... and i can only laugh about it. what to do? respect your needs or respect the needs of others? but how do u know what your other half needs from you. search deeper but the further u search the further u are away from the source of light and the darker the world becomes who will shine that way through?

i don't know where else to look? am not blind but i don't know what to see i don't know what to feel or what to think? i use to think i make the decisions but it seems like i am not. i dont know if i am walking away or am i just moving on or am i just ignoring you. i know ur reading my blog and i know u know how i feel, but the words taht was written were just my feelings, i can't put yourself in my shoes nor can i put myself into your shoes coz we are 2 different person in nature and in everything. we are so much alike but yet again so much different. whats wrong? what am i doing wrong? what i have always thought i am doing right but i am wrong? is there no light? is there no chance to hope? is there no feelings to feel anymore? if only i had more time with you. if only i had more moments to share with you. but i am trying my best to spend as much time as i can with you. but i only have so much time to give. you know that for a fact.. is it so difficult? is tim

what has become of me? am i a walking zombie with no feelings nor pain or am i just hiding the sorrow that i feel, i want to cry but tears doesn't flow, maybe i am not in the right time and place to do so, i don't want to cry, i won't weep becuase its not my tears to weep. i don't want ot weep the tears as i still have a life to go on with. i shall carry this scar and in my soul from now on. it may be a handful but its mine and its mine alone. i shall walk the path i was destinied to walk a long time ago. what goes around comes around. everything sounds so familiar, sound so casual of course , i said it a thousand times over the few years of my life. i guess its time for me to feel the pain and anguish that the others have felt when i played this recording to them. as i sit alone in the dark, i light myself a candle to view the darkness around me. any breathe of mine would blow out this candle and i will lie in darkness again. i found the light but i covered it

Putfile Says Goodbye To Singapore At dawn on December 2nd 2005, Singapore hanged a citizen of Australia, despite a plea for clemency from the United Nations. Whilst Putfile is not a human rights campaigning organization, we believe that if a country must have the death penalty, there is no need for it be barbaric. It is enough of a punishment, and a deterrent, to take someone's life in a painless manner, without having to be barbaric about it. Putfile prefers to not continue to provide our free uploading service to a country that executes prisoners by hanging, a method of execution which can take up to six minutes to painfully execute the victim. For this reason, we are at this time terminating all service to users from Singapore. We shall be happy to restore service following any positive move from the government of Singapore towards abolition of hanging as an execution method. Goodbye Singapore, Putfile. Related Links: CNN - U.N. effort to spare condemned man - h

for those who is reading this blog, please read this and keep all the details of your thoughts and ideas to yourself. i have enough on hand and i think i would prefer to be left alone. please do not mention anything to sandra or myself if we should ever meet up. Please do not ask questions i will not entertain them. thanks. jody

i just registered for http://www.magicstar.be lol.. :) sounds cute it was free so i guess might as well make the most of it. its registered with registerfly anybody care to comment on that provider? it will be my personal website in the future. finally soemthing to call my own. am looking for web hosting space anybody? prefer php and mysql ready if possible coz i wanna post up my files and scripts that i would be using in the near future.. thanks

As the songs plays as i feel the emptiness inside of me. the sense of longing no longer exist. as isabel plays over and over again, i got the words translated partially and it doesn't make me feel better. i feel terrible, its unexplainable. i am drowning gasping for air that i know is insufficient for me to hold on too long. what am i doing wrong? am going against all my believes and all of what i have stood for in my past. is this love so strong that it doesn't matter? is this love so strong that everything is forgotten? but yet am making the mistake am making the moves am calling the decisions and now all is lost.

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what is it about scorpios? are they really vindictive? are they reallly secretive? tell me something i don't know. as i was just browsing across teh vast information library at my fingertips i stumbled upon this little line of information. "You may misuse sex.". at the beginning i find hilarious but up a point of time it didn't anymore cuase one of my collegue said that scorpions are always hornY? its not an insult but its just a misjudge of character. we are not always horny we are also passionate and giving and loving and just plain normal homo sapien. *evil grin* its 5.30pm on a very bright friday afternoon. when i mean bright its very bright!! i had to wear my sunglasses to keep my eyes in its sockets. why do i need sunnies u might ask. well if ur facing a 10 x 10 feet of glass window u might think that ur like 1mil miles away from the sun, well with the aircond blowing u at full speed, without the sun ur ass is like frozen nuggets in the freezer. slippery and

in about 24 hours or so i am going to face the one person that i truly love. though i know its to early to tell becuase i have said it over and over again that it doesn't mean anything anymore. maybe i should just refrain myself from saying it over and over again but yet again how can u refrain something that comes naturally? been working non stop for the last 3 weeks. been making mistake after mistake after mistake. making myself miserable and this has been the most miserable month for the year 2005. cum 2006 it might be a little better but i do not forsee easy going workloads. sighs... for the first time in my life i am unsure of whats to come. all i can do is prepare for the worst and prepare for the best. yeahs egoistically speaking i am being a bitch on the outside and a withering soul on the inside. some say i hide my pain very well, so well that even i myself don't know that am in pain until my memories are jogged by events, words, things, movements, sounds or even pain.

i broke another person's heart again last night. it was terrible cause i could see the hurt in her eyes as she walked out. knowing that its not going to be the same again but i had to do it becuase i had no other choice. i couldn't leave my baby i couldn't allow myself to see her go with someone else. i had to make a decision and i made it knowing someone will fall out. it would have never been baby cause its her i want to be with. its with her i feel different and peaceful. as we both listen to jay chou together, me on headphones and she on hers there is a connection. its invisible but its strong but only we both can feel it. i love her so much

what am i feeling? i don't really know. i don't even know how to explaine the feelings. i can feel the tears swelling up inside my eyes but it just won't flow. why? becuase i won't allow it too. for the first time i am feeling as if i am worth nothing. nothing anybody can say to make me feel better it only makes me feel worst. i just felt a drop, tears just fell across my cheeks.. why am i crying? why am i crying? why am i so weak? whats wrong with myself? what kind of emotion has flooded my mind and heart? your with someone else now but even if u tell me that ur heart is still with me, i sense something else instead. i am sorry i couldn't afford to bring your oversea's on our first month together. i am sorry that i am unable to provide you the love that you always longed for. i am sorry i am not what ur looking for. i am sorry i cannot be there for you when u needed me the most. i am sorry i ever started annything with you when i know i can't make it tot

Baby you're all that I want. When you're lying here in my arms I'm finding it hard to believe We're in heaven. Oh, thinking about all our younger years, There was only you and me, We were young and wild and free. Now nothing can take you away from me. We?ve been down that road before, But that's over now. You keep me coming back for more. And love is all that I need And I found it there in your heart. It isn't too hard to see We're in heaven. Now, nothing could change what you mean to me. There's a lot that I could say But just hold me now, Cause our love will light the way. Now our dreams are coming true. Through the good times and the bad I'll be standing there by you.

how do i start? its 1.30am long time more before i start work. work, it seems to be the only thing which i can do so far. what happened? i called it off. its over between the both of us. i guess i should be able to hack it. need to stop reminding myself that its over but then hand gets itchy. lol. yeahs. 6 mths, not too long, not to short just alrights. yet my itchy self just can't sit still. expected it long before it started, just wanted to see how long i could hold on. i guess 6 mths was my limits. adding to the fact that i travel every weekend, well almost every weekend back to keep the relationship alive i am surprised with myself. am i so devoted? pretty much, i would do anything to keep it going but i guess it will take more of me. there is only so much of me i can give out. why do i always have to give? i need to stop giving, i am emptied faster then i am replenished. what do i want? someone to care for me to hear me out to read my thoughts about what i need. is it love? is